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02 November 2016 @ 05:45 pm
It seems every entry on here has something to do with opening up to life. I haven't posted on here for quite some time, but that's still a prevalent struggle for me. I'm still learning how important it is to show love and care for the people in my life, however small the gesture is.

There is so much sadness and anxiety in the ones that I love right now. I see those dear to me facing sickness, tragedy, and tough life decisions. In the past, I have been hesitant about reaching out to them, especially people that I don't talk to regularly. But I've realized lately that even the smallest gesture, favor, or word of comfort could mean a lot to someone. I have been scared of giving love, mostly because I was scared of the way it might be received. But, I have been slowly reaching out to people, in small ways.

It's worth the risk, I would say.

I mean, I know it's also important to be aware of boundaries, but my warmth toward people in the past has fallen far before any boundary. This example might be a bit off topic, but I've been on the fence about my religion. Being a Christian in the past has called me to serve people for the sake of serving the Lord. Christianity has also asked me to cut people from my life whom I cared for deeply. In some cases it is healthy to cut off destructive people, but my conscience told me that these people weren't destructive, they just weren't Christians.

They are some of the people that I have contacted recently. I have also contacted old friends that are Christians. I was scared of contacting anyone because I felt something nagging at me telling me to be more "picky" or "careful" about who to care for. Not to say that anyone has to be "worthy" of my love, it just felt so wrong being choosy.

But, I'm not going to do that anymore. I am learning to love with more freedom than I have in the past.
25 October 2013 @ 05:26 pm
This morning I remembered a dream that I had a long time ago. It had to do with the Bible verse about a white stone and a new name. I remember we had just gone over this verse in bible study the night before the dream. I'm sort of on the fence about my religion at moment, but it made me think about the changes that are happening in my life right now.

Revelation 2:17
"He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it."

I was wandering the streets of a new city. It was pitch black outside and I was utterly lost, but not one bit scared. I remember walking alongside a chain link fence at the edge of the sidewalk. I believed that it would lead me to somewhere important. Strange people made completely out of black stones approached me once in a while. They were shouting things at me, but I didn't speak to them and just kept walking. I didn't know what they needed and I didn't care.

There was one person who approached me with a white stone in hand.
This was a black stone person as well, but I felt warmth and calm. The person held out the white stone to me and asked me to take it, saying that he had no use for it.
As I reached out out my hand to accept the stone, I looked down and realized that my hand, and my whole body, was composed of the same white stones.

The black stone person dropped the stone into my open palm. I and all of my stone body collapsed into pieces and I woke up.

I can't really say why I broke apart, but I do know the weight of new information. I couldn't handle it. A new life, a new identity, a responsibility to find myself in God or just in life. Something was given to me that was meant specifically for me, but I couldn't take it.
Moving to a new place almost means becoming a new person, to me at least. I have to learn how to operate in this new space, and that will most definitely mean a change in habits. I'm hoping that this will be a good change for me. I will be different, right?

There are some things that need to go. I can't keep living in a box like I have been for the past two years. (Even though my new place literally feels like a box.) I just don't know what to leave behind. I don't know what parts of myself to let go of. I don't want to abandon a feeling or an escape only to find that I really do need it. I've done that before, and now I'm here with nothing.

Starting back at square one means opportunity, but I rarely take advantage of that. I can try to force it by moving away and putting myself in a position that I honestly think is dangerous, but what if I still don't respond? What if I'm that scared, that I would risk it all just to do nothing?
12 August 2013 @ 01:10 am
Don't let anyone let you feel bad for having goals and working toward them. Although you may be far from succeeding, that doesn't mean that you're not going to. If you keep going, you can leave behind what's been haunting you for what you've always dreamed of.